Queenies Little Kingdom

"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things"  Phillipians 4:8

I woke up this morning with a sense of anxiety washing over me.  I hadn't even sat up in bed yet and I could feel my body conforming to the effects of fear & stress.  I squeezed my eyes tight and tried to focus on prayer.  I can't figure out where this feeling is coming from exept to blame it on satan because like 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self discipline" I know these feelings do not come from God.

I've said it here before and it makes total sense when I find myself in this situation, THE MIND IS A BATTLEFIELD!  What starts as a little thought grows and gains momentum in my mind and if I'm not careful…..it becomes a full-blown distraction!  One that robs me of joy & peace.  As a Christian, I then grapple with how weak is my faith if I can't control what troubles spin me into an unhappy state of mind.  I have to honestly ask myself — Do I really trust God?  Do I believe His promises for me?  Much like the prophet Habakkuk who didn't totally understand the calamity his nation experienced, I get it that crummy things happen & crippling fear sneaks in.  I also believe (like Habakkuk) that God will make my feet like the feet of a deer and cause me to walk in high places.

The world is full of evil & suffering.  You can bet that God sees every bit of it.  That's why I celebrate my promise of heaven, my real home.  Especially at moments that seem too much to handle.  Romans 8:18 says, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us".  For the mornings like the one I've had today, I can be assured….NOTHING compares with the joy that has been laid up for me in heaven. 

"Count it all JOY, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds"  James 1:2

Lord

Your love for me is more than enough.  Help me when my flesh is weak and I can't see the good for the bad.  Fill my head with your promises so that my faith can spill onto those around me….looking for you!

Amen

Maybe you know what I'm feeling when I say that.  I'm home in body but my mind is still back in Florida with my mom.  Even standing neck high in laundry and knee deep in stuff to clean out of the fridge….I'm worrying about my mom.

It's not easy living 1000 miles away.

It was a difficult decision to make when we had to leave on Saturday.  Her improvements and the doctor's assurance sealed the deal for us to return and try to live normal lives for a bit.  Hello, dental work for me (today) and REAL WORK for hubby, we're back!  Still, leaving was very hard.

It's just a matter of time now.  She has to either heal and get better or make a turn for the worst.  Me sitting beside her watching the hair on her legs grow won't change either course.  My choice to be pro-active and come home to my kids (who managed pretty well on their own for 12 long days) was best for them and me.

I understand all too well that much talked about stage of life that involves caring for elderly parents now.  It's a tough one!  Especially when you don't live close by.  I owe my hubby a multitude of thanks.  His willingness to do all that he's had to do in the last 2 weeks blows my mind.  I'm at a loss for words.  He is all that and a pack of crackers too.

Now's the time for me to regroup.  I don't know how much time I have before I'll have to go back.  So, making the best of each moment here in Indiana is my new norm.  Forget summer break.  I'm now on a mission to be ready.  Ready to hit the road and start all over again.

Life is certainly unpredictable.

Dear God,

Thank you for the improvements in my mom's health.  Only you know the reason she's still here with us.  Help me to handle whatever comes my way.  I'm completely at your mercy.

Amen

Yesterday I shared about kids running wild at the hospital and right after I posted it…all heck broke out!  Like, literal heck!  A sweet angel precious friend of my mom's came to visit her and cut off her long matted hair (imagine over a month of hospital bed hair, yea that bad).  While we had mom all twisted in the hospital bed cutting & buzzing, screams & crashing down the hall startled us all to attention.  People were running and yelling….it sounded like EMERGENCY EMERGENCY 911 NOW kind of stuff.

So, we sat there listening.

Back story, first:

Earlier in the day hubby was down in the ICU lobby working at a desk there on his computer.  He's been doing this since we arrived.  It's quiet there and for the most part empty of any people.  Until this day.  A group of people had gathered with THEIR KIDS and by the conversations and actions it was clear that they were there for a relative who had taken too many pills. The people were coming & going like they were at a social event.  It was chaotic and rowdy.  I was at the desk working on my laptop too when I decided I could hear myself think better back in mom's room.  I ditched my guy who was on the phone and in his own world thanks to HEADPHONES!

A few minutes later he came down to the room saying he had to leave or face going to jail.  One of the adults wanted to turn on the tv (it was right over hubby's head) so he came over and tried to get it to work (by standing on a chair and leaning over hubby).  It wasn't coming on so he started trash talking to my guy that it was HIS COMPUTER that was causing the problem.  Hubby nicely told him that the two had nothing to do with each other and that it must be something wrong with the tv.  The guy stomps away and complains to someone somewhere and they send up an employee to help with the tv.  The tv person tells hubby that this tv has a feature broken on it that won't allow them to turn the volume down so they leave it off.  However, they got it turned on for the "kids" and clicked to cartoons that blared so loud you couldn't stay in the room.  In the meantime, the dude is still mouthing off.  He's cursing and making snide remarks, all of it directed at my husband.  Nice, huh?  

Seriously, how in the world do these things happen to us?

Note to self:  Don't mistreat innocent people at hospitals.  They aren't your punching bag or your place to direct your mad comments.  Practice self-control!

Hubby just got busy working in mom's room and that's when we heard the commotion.  All kinds of crazy busting loose down the hall.  It seems Mr TV Jerk got into a fight with someone in the group of people that were there holding vigil down in the waiting room.  Everyone on the 3rd floor stood there with mouths gaped open and a look of what to do on their faces.

Police came….arrests were made and now the security guards are on permanent duty.  I can't run downstairs for a drink or walk to the bathroom that I don't get stopped now.  Thanks crazy dude & family.  It's a real blessing to know people like you are walking the halls of the hospital.  Being in PCU/ICU has taken on a whole new level of fear.  These are the people who show up with weapons and do crazy stuff.

So, pray.  Pray that soon….VERY VERY SOON my mom will be moved to rehab.  The staff here is so wonderful and I hate it that this incident has stained the good care she's had.  This hospital has done an amazing job holding her together and giving her another chance at life.

What I'm praying for:

1) Mom's healing.  Whether it be eternal or earthly.  She's at peace and ready for either.  I accept God's plan.

2) My family.  It's been over a week of limbo.  The emotions of leaving kids at home alone (they're of age but not used to living on their own) has been heavy on my heart.  I'm thankful for their encouragement but still I worry about them.

3) The financial debacle.  Mom's bills are piled high.  Stuff has gone unpaid and there's so much to do to set her straight.  She has so much house stuff that could be sold but I'm afraid to do anything for fear of her coming home and flipping out.  What to do?

4) The cost of being here (for us).  Traveling this far costs a plenty.  Gas, food (eating out repeatedly), flat tire, expenses here & there are adding up.  I'm starting to stress over all of it.

5) The future.  What does mom's future look like?  No one can tell.  Only that she cannot go home for a long time, if ever.  This puts me over the edge.  I cannot leave my own family to live here forever.  I feel so torn & guilty & sad & frustrated & angry!

See why I'm barely hanging on?  I need God to hold me together and show me exactly what it is I'm supposed to do.  My heart says one thing and my brain says another.

In the meantime…..I'll just keep listening for God's whisper.