Queenies Little Kingdom

I'm doing things I don't want to do and I'm handling stuff that I don't want to handle.  Alone.

I have never felt so by myself before even having my youngest here with me.  The two of us are known in our family for being the "emotional" ones.

I keep thinking back to the moment my mother died.  Both Gates and I started to cry and the nurse who was a seasoned death escort hugged us and reminded us –> THIS IS JUST HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!

How could she know that I have a very loving and supportive husband back home in Indiana who would never in his life put me in a position of abandonment?  She didn't know anything other than God in His ways does what He does and never makes a mistake.

In just a few minutes I'm going to the funeral home.  I don't want to do it.  Haven't I been through enough?  This whole situation has been the biggest life challenge I've ever experienced and it's far from over.  

Last night I started cleaning out her clothes.  I couldn't look at them hanging there any longer.  I took over 5 large garbage bags to Goodwill and I still have plenty more to go.  My mother loved stuff!  She was happiest surrounded by her things.  She collected everything!  Dishes, antiques, bedding, clothes, furniture, other people's garbage and it's all piled up all over her tiny house.

I don't think I'll ever be finished here.

The lesson I'm choosing to learn most is to be prepared.  Death is near.  For each of us.  Have your life in order….not just your house, bills, insurance & stuff but your spiritual condition.  Be ready.  God only knows when you will leave this earth.  So have your heart ready….and then get all your stuff in order!

It's been one thing after another since I arrived in Florida.  Crazy things keep happening to me (and my poor kid, Gates).  Little inconveniences and big oopsie moments that have widdled away at my sanity which was teetering on the edge of not really there anyway.

I've been trying to just bide my time until my hubby arrived.  He's been known to wear a cape in my eyes.  If something's going to go wrong….he can handle it!

I thought I was holding it all together.  Especially after driving home at 12:30am from my mother's deathbed.  Both Gates and I unloaded the car and locked it up tight.  During the night (around 3am) I was startled awake by a neighbors barking dog and then voices outside.  They were literally yelling right by my car.  I jumped up and peeked out but couldn't see anything.  I could only hear them and finally they went on by.  At the time I worried that they were possibly trying to get into our car.  When I woke up the next day, a friend stopped by and said, "Hey, your car door was standing open!".  Whaaaaaat?

It was on the other side that we couldn't see once we came inside and so clicking the lock….was useless.  The back door was standing open and my bag with my computer, kindle fire, large bills of money and all my most special writing books were sitting right there.  I screamed when I heard it was open.  Gates went out and everything was still sitting right there.

ANGELS!

I'm convinced that the voices were actually angels.  The street my mom lives on is a busy through street for lots of shady types to walk all hours of the day & night.  There is no reason for a crime to have been skipped other than GOD TAKES CARE OF HIS CHILDREN!!  Even when they are in a grief stupor and not watching what they are doing.

This morning, I woke up and opened the front door to go out and move my car to load up our bags.  As I opened it up….I saw that I left the key in the door lock.  All. night. long!

Will I live to see Indiana again?  I'm not so sure.

After all the stress of the last few weeks….I planned a little beach escape for the two of us while we wait for our family to arrive.  On the trip over, the flat tire alarm lit up.  That's hint hint for CHECK THE DANG TIRES!!  We hopped on the interstate (I 75) and within minutes we heard the most horrible noise and I knew….FLAT TIRE!!  A real flat tire.

Here's where I finally cried!

I hated more than anything to call my hubby.  He's already felt like he was on another planet from me and holding us both together long distance has been a full-time job for him.  While he talked me through how to get the tire tools and spare out of the car….another angel walked up.  His name is Dana and with his kind yankee accent asked us if he could help us.  Uhm, yea….dear ANGEL DANA do your thing.  He even had nitro to air up the stinking flat spare.

I cried.  And I cried again.

Up the interstate about a mile or so was an exit.  We pulled off and right there was a Tire Kingdom (that's slang for part of God's Kindgom) where I met Roy.  While I cried, Roy talked to my hubby and made some serious decisions and tons of phone calls to find the world's most amazing tires to fit my hubby's hog of a car.  And then because he's such a nice guy….he said, "Go and eat while I wait on your tires to get here and I'll get you all fixed up!".  He also gave us a great discount on some pretty expensive tires.

I am going to see the beach today and when I get there…..I may not leave.  Or stop crying.

God, 

You have done more than protect me.  You have blanketed me and my heart with the heaviest of care.  Thank you.  Help me hold on and keep it together.  The circumstances are almost comical and I thank you that I can laugh in spite of how serious each issue has been.

Amen

I've never thought about it before…the dying process.  Of course I've thought about death.  Who doesn't do that?  But I've somehow managed to avoid the intricate details that accompany a person's last days & hours.  The sounds, smells and surroundings can't possibly leave the human mind once it's been experienced.

Today as I sat with my mother and listened to her struggling to breathe…I realized some things are better off never being known.

How will I ever forget?    

I'm grateful for the opportunity to be with her as she leaves this earth.  Just today, a friend called to tell me that someone close to her was killed in a car accident earlier this morning.  No warning.  No bedside visits.  No last words spoken purposefully.  No more time.  Gone.  It made me feel guilty.

Why do I get to be with and know what is happening to my mother?

God's choice.  I accept it and I feel utterly privileged to walk this path with her.  Maybe it's because of our painful past.  I can't help but imagine God had this in mind all along when He assigned me this mother.

I'm trying not to feel fear or regret.  Over & over I've hashed thoughts of all I should say and do to help her make this transition.  I've questioned myself about past hurts (they seem frivolous now and forgotten) and all I can feel for her is compassion.  More of God and His authority in my life.  It's funny what becomes important at times like these.  

My heart feels as though it's protected with a sort of God bubble wrap.  I don't have to cling to mean comments or hold a forever grudge from the past.  Her mistakes are history.  This last year of medical ups & downs gave us both a chance to say some things that needed to be said.  It would seem that hearing her say "I'm sorry" would be my favorite but actually it's not.  When she told me how proud she was of the kind of mother I turned out to be….it filled my heart with gratitude.  Hearing my mother admit she made mistakes and that she wished she could've been a mother like me literally shook me to the core.

Even if I never hear it from my own children…..I believe I did my best as their mom. 

Mom,

Thank you for building me up as a mother.  Admitting your mistakes and the pain you've caused in my life was hard for you. I'll always cherish knowing that you believed I was a great mom to my kids and a wonderful wife to my husband.  How blessed I feel because of those words.  

Go and be in peace now.  I'll love you and think of you, everyday.  And I'll remember the qualities that you passed along to help me be the kind of mother that I am.